And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind
And in the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
And I'm holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines
--Bon Iver
I decided to share some writing from my psychosis in
1999. In the early 2000's I put together the
most cohesive parts of my writing during that time, about 40 pages. I first called it Beloved, but that name
grated on my rational nerve…so I renamed it Forecast. I didn’t know why exactly, but it felt
right. Now I think of it as…a sort of
projection…maybe a timeless one, that included the whole of my life. I am just
going to share a few pages…all of it would be overwhelming, I think. Still unsure as to how to frame it…thought I
could have AI analysis it or whatever, but…its too raw, I’ll just leave it that
way. But feel free to analysis it.
Maybe you could say it’s similar to Jung’s Red Book, except
not as detailed and not the same at all. Lol.
But eventually, (back then) after debating if I should share it or not… I decided to
follow Jung’s lead, and realize it could be misunderstood, and I haven’t tried
to share it in the years since.
Regardless… how could I understand it, without experiencing
the whole of my life, which I thought from the start. How can I understand my subjective thoughts…
unless I recorded them and put them in context of my life as a whole. I suppose I treated myself experimentally
that way, although not a fully conscious decision. I was deeply depressed and took it upon
myself to cure it. I figured I was good at understanding others, so who better
than myself? Again only half aware, in a kinda manic sort of way.
Its funny, because I rally against people showing raw and
unfiltered content online. Like word vomit. But here I am, sharing a portion, a
very small portion of my raw and unfiltered psyche. And I have written a lot of word vomit over
the years, a lot, it is just by chance, or more than chance, (you decide) that
some of it…helped me. Maybe it will help
you. Intertwined with a collective view.
Page 14 -17 Something I titled:
Please Give Witness
Forever yours forever mine
Together we intertwine
Don’t ever go from me here now
Forever apart we drown, together we fly.
Don’t ever let these moments pass away
Grab them together.
Together forever each day
And your love will never pass away.
Give into your first flight
And never care where it takes you
Will you now forget the hurt and the pain?
Forever yours I will remain.
Give me tears so I can cry
And I will give you something to get by.
Where ever your fellow man hears you
I will be near you,
Where ever the sun shall shine
Together we all intertwine.
Forgive me my misuse of you
It is the only way to be true to you
Never forget I love you
And I will do nothing but hug you.
Win or lose we all shall choose
There is no end to this battle
We forever remain cattle
Forever to roam the open plain
Restless lost and helpless we sustain.
Give me a clue as to why I love you
And you will see why no one but me will ever love you
We can’t help who we are, we can only share a car
Leave together enter together.
How do you pled with a weed?
Will you ever see the flower seed?
With no control over the seed
We can only breed weeds.
To be bold, is as to be true
Never confuse the two
Miss lunch and we will never have brunch.
Control the love,
And you never will control the hate,
And is scheduled for another date.
Believe him her now
Who will always debate never hate.
Can love destroy? No love conquers
We will see this as long as you and I are missed.
Forever together remains together
We see no other lie no other truth
Please give witness to Ruth.
Why do you dare to snare a lair?
We are all under the same roof
With two beings the only proof.
Forget to much and I will say to much
Visit hell together and go to heaven together
Must we quibble over who goes there
When here is there and there is here.
Will you leave no room for doubt when I see you pout
When you don’t care, you don’t care.
I care! I care!
You will never see the line that divides these
So move over and make room please!
Because together we are caught in the snare
You will see I love you and you love me
But handle me with care as I will you
And together you will bloom in one room.
Don’t dare to question me and I won’t dare question you
Together you both dare, together you both dare!
And I will give you each others wishes with my best wishes
You will never live without me and me without you
We see two lights in the dark and those two create a spark.
Forever through this ordeal to you
We gain insight through you
We will never rule without you
Do you know why I have chosen you?
Because you know how to be true.
We will see this again and again
Never lost, but forever saved
Will you in love be made
Clear as a bell your words tell
How good you are to me
I made you and now you made me
We see through the mystery
We will rot in a pot
Or be saved with the whole lot.
Do you lose yourself tonight?
Or do you finally see the light?
We love what we love and feel what we feel.
Be as true as you want it to be true to you
And you will feel me shine through.
Inseparable are the two of you
Never forget my love for you
Forever and always,
Amen
Together we intertwine
Don’t ever go from me here now
Forever apart we drown, together we fly.
Grab them together.
Together forever each day
And your love will never pass away.
And never care where it takes you
Will you now forget the hurt and the pain?
Forever yours I will remain.
And I will give you something to get by.
I will be near you,
Where ever the sun shall shine
Together we all intertwine.
It is the only way to be true to you
Never forget I love you
And I will do nothing but hug you.
There is no end to this battle
We forever remain cattle
Forever to roam the open plain
Restless lost and helpless we sustain.
And you will see why no one but me will ever love you
We can’t help who we are, we can only share a car
Leave together enter together.
Will you ever see the flower seed?
With no control over the seed
We can only breed weeds.
Never confuse the two
Miss lunch and we will never have brunch.
And you never will control the hate,
And is scheduled for another date.
Who will always debate never hate.
We will see this as long as you and I are missed.
We see no other lie no other truth
Please give witness to Ruth.
We are all under the same roof
With two beings the only proof.
Visit hell together and go to heaven together
Must we quibble over who goes there
When here is there and there is here.
When you don’t care, you don’t care.
I care! I care!
You will never see the line that divides these
So move over and make room please!
You will see I love you and you love me
But handle me with care as I will you
And together you will bloom in one room.
Together you both dare, together you both dare!
And I will give you each others wishes with my best wishes
You will never live without me and me without you
We see two lights in the dark and those two create a spark.
We gain insight through you
We will never rule without you
Do you know why I have chosen you?
Because you know how to be true.
Never lost, but forever saved
Will you in love be made
Clear as a bell your words tell
How good you are to me
I made you and now you made me
We see through the mystery
We will rot in a pot
Or be saved with the whole lot.
Or do you finally see the light?
We love what we love and feel what we feel.
Be as true as you want it to be true to you
And you will feel me shine through.
Never forget my love for you
Forever and always,
Amen